Airline Laughs

[jboweruk]

Yeah, Don't I know it, I have 15% traffic on in FS (3 files mind you so roughly 45%) but boy It's mad trying to land there, and at McCarran.

[fruitfly]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon
the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging
downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"


Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System:

- Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
- Drinks are on me...
- Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an
extra pack of peanuts.
- (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
- This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some
leeway...
- It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
- I'll have what the Captain's having...


Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"


Last one off the plane must clean it."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants."


According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.


One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."


http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/plane011.jpg

[Ryanamur]

Wow, that was a good laugh!

About the Qantas pilot/engineer exchange, I'm not sure if civilian aircraft are equiped with IFF (Identificator Friend or Foe) and Targeting
radars.

That story used to kick around when I was in the military and it was a military pilot/ground crew exchange.

[Jetsgo]

[FlyBoy2]

More Funny true story's from my life as A FA



We were boarding a flight from San Francisco to Chicago and just pushed back from the gate and where already starting to taxi and doing the in flight
safety announcment this was how it went



Good Afternoon and welcome aboard American Airlines Flight 541 nonstop service to Chicago, Just then a Man from row 29 gets up and runs towards the
front of the cabin . the next thing we know we are pulling back into the gate. after a few minuets and a few stares from the passengers we said Ok
once again this is FLIGHT 541 FOR CHICAGO NOT DALLAS FT.WORTH IF YOU WILL ALL LOOk AT YOUR TICkets and Make sure you are on the right flight so we can
depart.

[lightrail]

Cancelled Flight:
A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry
passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be
FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began,
her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can
help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "**** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

The Scare
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 356, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back
on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the
back of mine!"

The Irate Controller
During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming,

"US Air 2771,where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's
difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,

"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got
that, US Air 2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771.No one wanted to engage the
irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her
admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked,

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[SWAFO]

@EVERYONE!!

Funny stuff guys!

[Jetsgo]

A not-too-bright man and his wife were traveling on one of those three-engine jetliners. En route to their destination, the engine on
the left wing went dead. "Ladies and gentlemen," the captain announced, "we've just lost power to our port engine -- but don't worry; we
still have the starboard and tail engines at full power. We'll make it safely to our destination, just with a two-hour delay."

Some time later, the engine on the right wing went dead. "Ladies and gentlemen," the captain announced, "we've just lost power to our
starbord engine -- but don't worry; we still have the tail engine at full power. We'll make it safely to our destination, just with a four-hour
delay."

The man turned to his wife in disgust and remarked, "If that tail engine goes out, we'll be up here all day."

[Jetsgo]

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

[fruitfly]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-
Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and
made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He
painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride.
Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to
Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you
this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[James]

Has taken me a good 15mins to read everything on this topic, great posts everyone! Here are a couple from me:

A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. "Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes" He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time."



And here's another funny one:

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Seamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Seamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Seamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Seamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Seamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Seamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Seamus looked out the side window and replied...."Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".




James



Post Edited ( 09-10-05 21:57 )

[vollmey]

Good stuff !!!!

[Jetsgo]

Keep this thread going!!!

[ILikePlanes]

[TonyH]

I've been on the forum a couple of weeks or so and the first time I saw this thread. It should be stickied somewhere.


At the end of an Easyjet flight the stewardess announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, on behalf of Captain Scarlet and Officer Dibble we hope you had a pleasant flight, if you enjoyed it tell your
friends. If you didn't tell them you flew with somebody else."