Airline Laughs

[Jetsgo]

Post anything funny about Airlines here.


Sorry for the size, it sais:

Please be sure to take the time to reach into the seat pocket situated infront of you, where you'll find copies of our resumes
(-meanwhile, a man is reading a newspaper entittled: Air Canada cuts 5000 Jobs-)

[Jetsgo]

Soory, I meant to post this in FS General

[silo]

To set the scene. 3 Ship military jet formation at holding point of civilian airport. Behind them are two civilian bizjets waiting in turn.

ATC: MADOG formation are you ready?
MADOG: Negative.
ATC: MADOG advise ready.
MADOG: Roger.

Time passes....

ATC: MADOG formation are you ready?
MADOG: Negative.
ATC: You know the guys behind you PAY for their fuel.
MADOG: Roger, they PAY for ours too!!

[silo]

"Delta 633 descend to 3,000ft, the QNH is 1013mb"

"Delta 633 can we have that in inches please"

"Delta 633, descend to 36,000 inches, the QNH is 1013mb"

[Jetsgo]

LOL

[737-700 Next Generation Pilot]

silo wrote:
"Delta 633 descend to 3,000ft, the QNH is 1013mb"

"Delta 633 can we have that in inches please"

"Delta 633, descend to 36,000 inches, the QNH is 1013mb"

i give it three 's and three thumbs !!!!

[lightrail]

Speedbird: Tower, Speedbird 85 requesting pushback
Tower: And where in is the worlds most experienced airline crew flying today without a flight plan?

Tower: Speedbird, you looked a little left of the centre-line on the touchdown there
Speedbird: Roger, and my co-pilot was a little to the right of the centre-line

Student pilot: Centre, Cessna 172 with you at flight level 3600
Centre: Roger, Cessna, contact Houston Space Centre

Approach: 200 Heavy, slow to 160 knots
Pilot: Roger
Approach: 200 Heavy, slow to 140 knots
Pilot Roger
Approach 200 heavy, slow to 130 knots
Pilot: Approach, do you know the stalling speed of this aircraft?
Approach: Nope, ask your co-pilot.



Post Edited ( 08-24-05 08:52 )

[silo]

ATC: "Clipper 123, what's the turbulence like at your level?"
123: "Well ... how shall I put it? The Captain's just stuck his fork up his nose."
ATC: "TWA 789, what's the turbulence like at your level?"
TWA: "I don't know, we haven't eaten yet."

[silo]

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the
mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need
repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes
and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in
writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the
pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as
submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had
an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
**********************************************
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. No's 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.

P: Something lose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

[jboweruk]

tower: American 745 please turn to heading 290 for noise abatement
AA745: What noise can we possibly be making at 25000 feet tower?
tower: have you heard the bang 2 777's make when they collide?

student pilot: 48Delta Tower I'm lost, can you help?
tower: What was your last known position 48Delta?
student pilot: When I was sitting on the runway at my departure airport

A Cessna 152 was sitting at a large international airport waiting for takeoff, he was told to hold position as a 747 landed. He watched as
the 747 rolled out, then turned round to cross his path again, as it passed him the pilot said "What a cute little plane, did you build it
yourself?" The Cessna pilot replied "yup, and another landing like that one I'll have enough parts to build me a couple more"

This one is edited for language:

On a warm spring day a queue of planes was waiting in line to take off, suddenly over the radio is heard: "I'm F* bored"

Tower: Last aircraft identify yourself immediately
Unknown speaker: I said I was F* bored not F* stupid.

[Yann Collas]

An IFR pilot is flying in Boston control area and the controler ask him :

Ctrl : Piper N5845 Boston approach say altitude
Pilot : Altitude
Ctrl : Piper N5845 say speed
Pilot : Speed
Ctrl : Piper N5845 say cancel IFR
Pilot : .......

;-)



An IFR pilot have speed indicator pilot and say to control :

Pilot : Control we loose speed indicator
Ctrl : As the way you're flying I think you loose all instruments

;-))



A VFR pilot landed so badly into a runway with multiples bumpy touch and before landing he said that there was his dog on board.
After full stop the controler said :

- Is that the dog who landed the airplane ?

:-))

[fruitfly]

True story:

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would
re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell gentleman
was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he
had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said; "Keith, we will be in Sacramento for
almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

- Now -- Picture this --

All the passengers in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing
eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered! They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!!

.....................

ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway
06."


Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."


ATC: "Cessna G-ARER What are your intentions? "
Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."
ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."


Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.


Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"


Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"


Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."



Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."


Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and
continues to the taxiway


Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"


"Two blondes were flying to Reno for a long weekend. An hour into the trip, the flight attendant came on the intercom and
said, “The pilot has just informed me that we have lost an engine. There is no need for alarm though. We have three engines left, and
we’ll just be an hour late.”
About another hour into the flight she made another announcement. “We’ve lost another engine. Don’t worry. We still have two more, but
we’ll be another hour late.”
One blond turns to the other and say, “boy, if we lose the other two engines, we’ll be up here all day.”



Post Edited ( 05-01-06 00:29 )

[pegase]

Ctrl: Wind calm, no traffic, you'r cleared to land on runway 32 o 14 as you prefere.
Pilot: uhm... ... Which is the longer one ?

[Ryanamur]

Great Thread. Dan will kill me but this is definately TOOOO good to move yet!

Phil

[jboweruk]

Yeah I guess it does belong in the fs2004General forum, but hey who cares?