Airline Laughs

[ivo]

[ivo]

A Farmer and his family went to a air show. The farmer was amazed by all the flying, so he talked to one of the pilots after the show.

"How much money would it be for you to give me a ride in one of those?" The farmer asked.

" $150" Said the pilot.

"That's too much for me" said the farmer.

"well, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you and your family a ride for free if you stay quiet the whole flight. But if you make one sound, then you
give me the $150." said the pilot.

The farmer accepted the offer. The next day, the went to the airport, and the farmer and his wife and children boarded a small Cessna.
The pilot took off, cruised for an hour, the landed.

" I have to hand it to you. You really didn't make no sound during the flight." the pilot said.

" It was hard. I almost made a sound when my wife fell out of the airplane" the farmer said.

[ivo]

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to
London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"



There are lots more at the website I got this one at. http://www.basicjokes.com . Then go to airplane jokes.

[WBHoenig]

[Flagstaff Flyer]

deejayc wrote:
My favourite Gary Larson cartoon ever.

I have had this one up on my wall forever! That's the best!

[ivo]

[ivo]

ok, so this isn't really a airline joke, but I thought it was very funny.

A bald guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands cheerfully.

"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your wife?"

"Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over with!"

So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, the bald guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he
meets a friend.

"Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says.

"No, I've been to the hospital," replies the bald.

"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"

"Really? So, what's up?"

"I'm going to be vaccinated."

"Oh, Crap!! That's what it's called!"

[John]

I used to be a plumber in Denver, I was once called out to a United Airlines cpt house. I was telling him about FS. He shared with me their joke
that... One day the cockpit will be staffed with a pilot and a dog. The pilot is to fake the passengers into thinking a human is flying the plane.
The dog is to bite the pilot incase he tries to touch any of the controls.



Post Edited ( 01-23-06 06:03 )

[Kent]

Ground Controller: Cessna calling ground control. Are you a Skymaster?
Pilot's reply: No Sir. I'm just a student pilot.

---

- "Pompano tower, Cessna 123 is 10 miles north inbound, Pan! Pan!"
The tower, who was obviously a bit taken by the call came back with
- "What?".
The Cessna repeated,
- "Pompano tower, this is Cessna 123 10 miles north inbound, Pan! Pan!"
After a few seconds of what seemed to be slight confusion on the part of the controller, the tower answered back,
- "Roger Cessna 123, Pizza! Pizza!"

---

A young pilot is in an airport lounge trying to impress a woman. He tells her he owns an airplane, a (Cessna) C-150.
She has no clue what that is and asks him for a description. The pilot points to a Hercules
on the ramp near by and says- "Well, zats a C-130".

---

Ilushin IL-12 on a relay. The Captain with appendicitis is being transported to the hospital's operating-room.
The crew are near and wait for the surgery. The doctor comes out of the operating-room:
- Situation is critical. The narcosis has no effect on him. We can't operate.
The mechanic disappears for 15 minutes and comes back with a captain control panel simulator.
- Show him that and he will fall asleep.
The Doctor:
- So we will be able to operate on him?
- Well, just try.
Doctors show the panel to the Captain. The captain shuts down. Then they do some pain checks - no reaction.
All is fine, they are good to go now.
The crew hurry up for a flight with other captain... One week later... The crew arrive back again to this city and visit their
Captain. The Doctor is in deep despair:
-You lulled him, YOU awake him then. We can't help. He still sleeps.
The mechanic:
- Wait a minute, - he steps up to the Captain and quietly whispers in his ear:
- SPIRIT on PROPS!
- WHO gave the COMMAND "SPIRIT on PROPS"?! - The Captain's terrible voice shrilled through the air.



Post Edited ( 02-11-06 00:49 )

[Kent]

Kinda hand made C-130:

[Navymmw]

But I feel sorry for the flies being stuck to the glue

[fruitfly]

You know what does a flying rabbit have on its back?

-well... - an eagle, of course!



Post Edited ( 05-01-06 00:38 )

[Kent]

[WBHoenig]

[fruitfly]

Apparently a truw story.....
A trainee pilot was on approach to a small GA field in Texas at night, and
when asked by ATC to identify himself, he decided to be a bit cocky and said,
"Guess who?". The controller on duty duly responded by turning off the runway
lights and replied, "Guess where?"


A passenger waiting in the departure lounge at Heathrow spots a
friendly-looking stewardess and approaches her to ask a few questions. "Excuse me", he
says, "is that my plane out the window there?". "No sir", she replies, "it belongs
to the airline...". "OK", says the chap, "I'll put it another way - can I
take that plane to Los Angeles?". "No sir", is again the reply, "it's far too
heavy to carry and it won't fit in your baggage..."



A well-dressed man walks into a bank at Heathrow airport, goes up to the
counter and says to the clerk, "I'd like to borrow ?1,000 please, to be paid back
in full when I return from my business trip a week today". "Certainly sir",
replies the clerk, "do you have any collateral you can leave with us until you
return?". "I certainly do", replies the man, pulling a set of keys from his
briefcase. "Here are the keys to my Ferrari, parked on the first floor of the
multi-storey. You looking after it for a week should count as sufficient
collateral". The clerk agrees and the man goes off on his trip. He returns exactly a
week later, walks into the bank and approaches the same clerk. "I'm back!", he
exclaims, "Now what do I owe you?". "Well sir", says the clerk, "including a
bit of interest for the week, the total repayment is ?1,014". The man hands
over the money in cash and in return receives the keys to his Ferrari. Just
before he walks away, the puzzled clerk enquires, "Sir, I hope you don't mind me
asking, but why would a man of your obvious means need to borrow ?1,000 for a
week?". "Well", says the man, "where the hell else can I get a week's parking at
Heathrow for ?14?!!!?"



A man is checking in at the American Airlines desk at Heathrow for a flight
to Chicago. The woman behind the desk says, "Do you have any baggage to check
in sir?". "Yes I do", says the man, "I have two suitcases. I'd like one to go
to Hong Kong and the other to go to Frankfurt please". "I'm sorry, that's
impossible sir", replies the girl, "this flight is going to Chicago". "Well you
bloody did it last time...", replies the man.


Did you hear about Scandinavian ATC losing an MD80? It vanished into Finnair!