Airline Laughs

[fruitfly]

A 727 on a scheduled service run into Orlando descending below 15,000 feet ... During one three-minute span the aircraft received five
"vector for traffic" calls from Approach Control. Upon receiving the sixth the Captain asked, "Are we the only ones up here with ailerons
today?"


A Qantas 747 landed at Paris Charles de Gaulle airport just after the
Rugby World Cup -- in which Australia beat France. De Gaulle has
circular stands, so if an aircraft misses the turn-off it often must
taxi around again to get back to it. As the Qantas aircraft did this...
Paris ATC: Qantas 123, are you having difficulty?
Qantas 123: No, just doing a victory lap!


Pilot: Tower, Cessna 1234, what's the wind doing?
Tower: Blowing. (Laughter in background.)


Cessna 1234: ...15 miles from VORTAC. Request a VOR Runway 14 approach, circle to land, full stop.
Approach: Cessna 1234, say your indicated airspeed.
Cessna 1234: Our ground speed is 59 knots. Is that going to be a problem?
Approach: No problem. We're open 24 hours.


Airline123: Airline 123, request a 360 to parking.
Ground: 360 approved, 180 recommended.
[pause]
Airline123: You've been saving that one for while, haven't you?


A pilot was flying in his C-205 with his two sons, ages 4 and 6, over the mountains of Tennessee, bucking a strong headwind. He looked in
the back and noticed the boys looking down in the valley below, where a train was also heading northwest, and they were barely gaining on
it. Nothing was said.
Four months later, the younger son, Brian, was called to kindergarten roundup, where the officious school psychologist was conducting
evaluations. When Brian's turn came, the shrink said: "Brian, what color is an apple?" Brian replied: "Are you talking about the inside or the
outside of the apple?" Perplexed, the shrink went on: "Well, Brian, which goes faster, a train or a plane?" Straight-faced, Brian replied:
"Well, Doctor, it kind of depends on the headwinds."


A little boy and his mother were taking his first commercial airplane ride. After boarding the plane, taking off and being at cruise altitude for
some time, the puzzled boy looked at his mother and said, "so when do we get smaller?"


Pilot: "Good Morning Vienna Ground, could you give me a rough time check?"
Ground: "Good Morning sir, today is Tuesday."


A pilot departing La Crosse, Wis., contacted Minneapolis center. After initial contact, the following transmission was heard:
"Attention all aircraft on this frequency, this controller position will no longer be manned." Perplexed, the captain and first officer looked at
each other with amazement. After 10 or 15 seconds another transmission, now in a woman's voice, said... "That was not funny."



Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."
Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."
Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."
Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."
Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."


Sabena, the Belgian airline, was still landing in Libreville, Gabon, a flight left in very rough weather toward Kinshasa, Zaire, in west-central
Africa. The following conversation was overheard:
"Sabena 123, maintain contact with Brazzaville."
"Control, I can't even maintain contact with my own seat."


While flying through the Phoenix Class B airspace with a student pilot, a controller called "Opposite direction traffic at twelve o'clock and
four miles, four thousand five hundred feet, a Cherokee."
The student looked at me with a blank stare and said, "His clock or mine?"


Passenger: "Are we in a holding pattern?"
Flight Attendant: (Turns around and looks out the window) "No, we're still moving."


After about an hour of ground school on aircraft systems and what instruments would be affected by various failures, the student began a
thorough pre-flight inspection before embarking on her first bout with "partial-panel" work.
As the student buckled herself into the left seat, the instructor said, "Hmmm, I wonder what's going to fail first?"
The student thought for a millisecond before replying, "Uhhh, the
pilot?"


An ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were
caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!"
Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."


A Bonanza landed some years ago with the leading edge of the left wing bashed in from hitting a goose in flight.
A remark from a Cessna driver was overheard: "If he'd been flying a high-wing airplane, he'd have missed it."


ATCT: Bonanza 1234 cleared to land Runway 15; be advised the REIL lights are out of service.
Bonanza 1234: Roger, cleared to land; are the artificial lights working?