Airline Laughs

[fruitfly]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon
the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl
comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging
downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"


Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


Cessna 152 crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System:

- Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
- Drinks are on me...
- Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an
extra pack of peanuts.
- (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
- This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some
leeway...
- It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
- I'll have what the Captain's having...


Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces
us to the terminal."


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"


Last one off the plane must clean it."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and
the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants."


According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight.
The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign.
The vibration stopped immediately.
A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.


One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."


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