09-06-2006, 06:03 PM
I found this page of funny things in aviation:
1. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
2. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
Whoa!"
4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
5. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
6. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
7. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
8. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
9. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight."
10. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our
aeroplane to the gate!"
11. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
12. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot
down?"
13. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
14. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
15. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
16. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."
17. Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
18. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
19. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants'fault.
...it was the asphalt!"
Air Traffic Control Jokes
It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humor. Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The
following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
1. While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I
told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've
screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of
US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
2. A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn
right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."
3. Unknown aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
4. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
5. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
6. O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
7. A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
BTW Sorry if I copied anyone else's jokes :P
1. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
2. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed
taking you for a ride."
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella.
Whoa!"
4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
5. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
6. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
7. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
8. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
9. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately
none of them are on this flight."
10. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final
approach, the captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our
aeroplane to the gate!"
11. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."
12. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot
down?"
13. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
14. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
15. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
16. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them
with our compliments."
17. Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
18. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and
nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
19. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendants'fault.
...it was the asphalt!"
Air Traffic Control Jokes
It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humor. Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The
following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world:
1. While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with
a United 767. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I
told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've
screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?" "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of
US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGW was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
2. A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn
right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the
airport."
3. Unknown aircraft: "I'm f***ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
4. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
5. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't stop."
6. O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
7. A PanAm 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich Overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
BTW Sorry if I copied anyone else's jokes :P
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